


Gasping for Air

by connorandmichael



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, I Tried, M/M, Making Out, Please Don't Hate Me, Semi-Public Sex, blowjob
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-15
Updated: 2019-07-15
Packaged: 2020-06-28 11:58:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,742
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19811842
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/connorandmichael/pseuds/connorandmichael
Summary: “Leave a hickey, I’ll show the whole world where your lips have been.”Evan and Jared have a fight. They make up.





	Gasping for Air

**Author's Note:**

> I hope y'all enjoy this. Smut is hard and I'm not used to writing it.

“I don’t need a friend like you! I don’t want a friend like you! You have been nothing but awful to me, and I’m better off with no one rather than you!” 

If Evan wasn’t so angry he would be impressed that he said all that without stuttering. He stared at Jared. All he wanted was an apology. All he wanted was just one person in the world who wouldn’t look down on him. Just one person he could talk to. He hoped Jared would start being a true friend, and not a family friend. 

“You don’t need me? You don’t want me? I know you’ve been going through a lot of stuff. But you don’t have any idea what I go through! It’s always ‘Jared gives me nicknames I don’t like’ or ‘I don’t like your jokes, Jared.’ You are so selfish. You never ask me how I’m doing! You never even bother to think that underneath it all I might be hurting too. You don’t think about it because you don’t care! You don’t need a friend like me, Evan but I don’t need one like you.” 

With that Jared grabbed his backpack and stomped out of Evan’s house. Evan wondered was he a bad friend? Was Jared even his friend? When was the last time he asked Jared how he was doing? Is it all his fault no one notices him? Does he care about anyone? Does anyone care about him? He could feel himself spiraling and he sat down on the edge of his bed and tried to control his breathing. He took in a large breath and then blew out, imagining himself filling up a balloon. This was a tactic he learned in elementary school, his therapist had showed him some different ones but he liked this one because he had been doing it for years. He did it over and over again until he could feel his heart rate go back to normal. 

At times like these he wanted someone to talk to, but his mom was never home and she wouldn’t understand. He didn’t have any friends except for Jared, if you could count him. Jared has told him multiple times that they weren’t real friends. Jared only hung out with Evan so that his mom would pay for his insurance. Evan’s mom and Jared’s mom were friends, so Evan didn’t have any real friends just a family one. 

Evan started picking at the cast on his arm. It was times like these when he realized he was truly alone in the world that he regretted not climbing higher. He thought about how he laid on the ground for hours for someone to come get him. For someone to notice. He jumped up and started pacing. He wouldn’t be getting any sleep tonight. He was a bad friend, maybe he didn’t deserve anyone.

***

Jared gripped the steering wheel as he drove home. He was speeding, but he didn’t care. Evan made him so angry. Jared joked once that he only hung out with Evan because that's the only way his mom would pay his insurance. Once. Ever since then Evan brought it up all the time. He hit the steering wheel with the palm of his hand, relishing the sting that momentarily distracted him from his thoughts. Maybe he was just a family friend to Evan but Evan was so much more than that to him. Evan was his only friend, his best friend. 

No one else at school noticed him, or even spoke to him. Knowing Evan was at school with him made him be able to get through the long days. Most of the time Jared wouldn’t even feel like getting out of bed. He was finding it harder and harder to find the motivation to do anything. He hadn’t cleaned his room, done homework, or even showered in he didn’t know how long. Today was the first day in a long time he felt like going out and then he got into a fight with Evan. He knew he shouldn’t have left his house. He just made everything worse. 

“Well, you could be dead,” he mumbled making a half-hearted attempt at humor. Jared had never processed his emotions well. So he did what he always did: shoved the feelings aside. He stopped thinking about them, he stopped thinking about Evan, and he relied on humor until he started feeling halfway normal again. The feelings always came back, usually at night keeping him awake but at least this way he could make it through the days. 

****

Jared didn’t go to school the next day. He didn’t want to face Evan, after all these years he knew exactly what would happen. Evan’s anxiety would keep him from approaching Jared. But he would follow him with his eyes, wanting Jared to come to him to initiate and carry the conversation. And Jared would do it, of course, because he was always aware of Evan. He wouldn’t be able to resist looking into his sad eyes. He would have to take his sadness away. Nothing would get solved. They would fall back into the same routine. 

Jared convinced himself to get up and go to school the day after because it was a Friday. He had to survive one day and then he would have the whole weekend to lay in his room and do nothing. God, he needed to sleep. He always felt like he could sleep for days, he never got enough. He never had enough energy to want to do anything. Even dressed in the morning was hard. 

He drove to school slowly, almost to the point of being late. He knew Evan would never allow himself to be late for school. Evan’s brain would scream at him until he got to class at least ten minutes early. Jared has researched anxiety so he would be able to understand Evan better. He was always trying to help him deal with it, but Evan usually just got upset with him. 

Jared didn’t care about school. He didn’t even know if he was passing his classes. He parked and went to his first period, relishing the fact that he wouldn’t have to see Evan until lunch. 

Jared has made it through most of the morning and was thinking about skipping the rest of the day. He decided that he would make the decision on whether or not to stay depending on how lunch went. He walked to the cafeteria and his heart rate jumped. He was going to see Evan. Would Evan try to talk to him? Was he even worth talking to? Would they act like nothing happened and continue with their weird lopsided friendship? Should he tell Evan what he really meant to him? 

Jared was thinking so hard that he managed to run into the person in front of him as he walked through the door of the cafeteria. He went red and apologized but the person didn’t even respond. Of course, he was invisible to everyone. No one really cared. Why did he even bother with leaving his house. His mood instantly soured and he momentarily forgot his excitement to see Evan. 

“Jared!” Evan was walking towards him quickly, and Jared couldn’t hide his surprise as he approached. “Are, are you okay? I, uh, was worried when you didn’t show up? I thought maybe you were sick and that, um, would’ve been awful? But then I thought you were avoiding me which I would totally understand because you were uh right. I am a bad friend and that’s why I don’t have any and I’m not worth it and I’m sorry.” Evan said his speech so quickly Jared could tell he had rehearsed it many times, and he couldn’t stop the smile that spread across his face. 

“You’re actually talking to me,” Jared said proud that Evan fought his anxiety to be able to approach him. His heart fluttered at the thought that Evan was worried about him. 

“I’m sorry! I know you said you didn’t need a friend like me but uh you are my only friend even if it is just a family friend and I, I can’t lose you. Then I’d have no one.” 

Jared felt the smile fall from his face. Before he had time to think he grabbed Evan by his backpack strap and drug him towards the door. “Come on. We have to talk.” 

Jared let go of Evan’s backpack once they left the cafeteria and he kept walking, knowing Evan was going to follow him. Jared walked until they came to an empty hallway. 

“I hate when you say that. Don’t ever fucking say that again.” 

Jared watched at Evan’s eyes grew big and he took a step away from him. He refused to meet Jared’s eyes and his face had gone red. “I, uh” he began but didn’t finish. He nervously pulled up his pants, and he looked like he wanted the floor to open up and swallow him. 

“Shit. Okay, I’m sorry!” Jared began “I told you that I only hung out with you so my mom would pay my insurance and that we are only family friends but that’s not-” 

Jared was interrupted as other students started walking down the hallway. Lunch was almost over, and everyone was getting ready for their next period. He reached over and grabbed Evan’s shirt, and pulled him into the first door he found that didn’t lead into a classroom. 

Using the flashlight on his cellphone Jared found the light switch and realized that they were in a utility closet. 

“Jared, I’m going to be late for English -”

“God, Evan! You can be so dense! Do you really think I don’t care about you?”

“I don’t -” 

Evan was cut off as Jared pulled him into a kiss. It was frantic, like Jared was trying to tell Evan everything that was on his mind. He just wanted Evan to understand. 

Jared took a step towards Evan until his back was against the wall. He deepened the kiss inserting his tongue into the other boy’s mouth. Evan started responding as he opened his mouth to give Jared more access. Jared ran his hands up underneath Evan’s shirt. He dug his fingers into his back, yanking his body even closer to his own. Jared could feel Evan through his pants, hard just like he was. 

He tore his mouth from Evan’s gasping for air. He moved onto his neck and started sucking, enjoying the idea that he was going to leave a mark. Jared grabbed at Evan’s shirt wanting it out of the way when Evan finally spoke. 

“Jared,” his voice came out a little shaky, and the sound of it made Jared groan. “Wait.”

Jared pulled away and took a step back from Evan. he tried to control his breathing, but then he looked at Evan and lost his breathe all over again. His face was red, his lips a little swollen from the intensity of their kiss. His hair was tousled from Jared’s hands. 

“What, what just happened? I’m, I’m uh confused?” 

Jared let out a harsh laugh. “Evan, one time. Just one time I told you I hung out with you only because my mom would paid my insurance. And it was years ago. I only said it because I was mad at you. You wouldn’t stop going on about how you liked Zoe. I just wanted you to notice me, I wanted you to talk about me like that, but you never did. I just want to be important to you too. I know I have so many faults. I’m not the nicest, my jokes don’t go over well, but I like you and I have for years.” 

Jared finally looked into Evan’s eyes and he finished his speech. He knew he didn’t deserve Evan Hansen. He knew he deserved to not have any friends. Sometimes he couldn’t control his anger. Other times he wouldn’t even have the energy to get out of bed. He had so much to work on but he knew that if Evan rejected him right now his life would forever be worse. His only friend, “my best friend.” He didn’t realize he said the last part out loud until Evan’s eyes widened. 

“I, I’m your best friend?” 

Jared didn’t respond he watched as Evan processed what he just heard. He knew that he would need some time to take in the information and formulate his response. And he was happy to wait, he would do anything for Evan. 

“I never, I never thought that you were - that we were friends. You don’t, you can’t stand me. You said so yourself I’m just self- selfish.” 

“Fuck. No, Evan please. I was angry. I never want to make you feel like we aren’t friends even if you say you could never picture us in a relationship. If you say there’s someone else I don’t care. I will still be your friend. I would do anything for you Evan. It’s me, something is wrong with me. It’s never been you, it’s always been me. I started going to therapy. I’m trying to get better.” 

“You aren’t, you never said, are you gay?”

Jared couldn’t help the laugh that came out. “I was wondering if you were ever going to mention the kiss.” 

With that he quickly closed the distance between them, gently touching his lips to Evan’s and caressing his face. After a little bit he pulled back, sucking on Evan’s lip. 

“I just, I always wanted you to be my friend, Jared. I know that I tend to overanalyze things. I can’t help but think of the same things over and over again. I never knew you even liked me. I, um, I am, uh gay.” Evan’s looked down as his cheeks turned red. “I like it when you’re at my house. I like it when you joke. I like that you understand my anxiety. I like that you can get along with people better than me. I like it all.” 

With that Evan looked up at him, “I like you.” 

Jared smiled as he once again closed the distance between Evan and himself. Jared once again cupped Evan’s cheek as he pulled him close. But, this time he stopped. There was only a few centimeters between his and Evan’s lips. He waited. After a couple of seconds Evan closed the short distance between them with a groan. He grabbed Jared’s shirt and pulled until his back was against the wall and Jared was pushing into him. 

The kiss started off sweet. Jared kissed Evan gently on the lips, then made a trail down to his neck again, where he lightly sucked. 

“Jared,” Evan breathed out “you, you’re going to leave a mark!” 

Jared pulled away from Evan just long enough to look him in the eyes and smile. “Absolutely. You don’t even know how long I’ve been dreaming of doing this to you. Uh, I mean - not like in a creepy way.” It was Jared’s turn to blush as Evan laughed.  
“Just, not the neck though! My mom will see and she’ll ask and I can’t, I don’t want to, it would be-” 

Jared smiled as Evan freaked out about his mom seeing the hickey that he left. “Well, hate to break it to you Ev, but you already got a nice sized one on your neck. But I promise no more.” He held up his hand in a mock salute. 

Evan laughed as he pulled Jared back to his lips. Jared put both of his hands on Evan’s hips and pulled him forward, relishing the feeling of Evan pressed against him. Jared pulled away, sucking on Evan’s lip as he did so. Evan let out a whine until Jared started pulling at his shirt. Jared managed to get Evan’s shirt off and went back to nuzzling his neck. 

He knew he promised no more hickies, but he could suck on the one he already made. He kissed Evan’s neck again, and then moved back to his mouth. He ran his tongue on Evan’s bottom lip asking for entrance, and Evan opened his mouth allowing Jared’s tongue access. 

As he kissed him he raked his hands down Evan’s back, hoping to leave marks. There was something about knowing that he was finally doing this with Evan that made him want to mark the other boy up. 

“Evan, Evan, my neck,” Jared said and moved his head to the side. He wanted Evan to mark him as well. “Leave a hickey, I’ll show the whole world where your lips have been.” Evan replied by sucking hard on Jared’s neck. Jared couldn’t help the “fuck! Yes!” that came out of his mouth at the new sensation. 

As Evan sucked on his neck, probably leaving a massive hickey Jared moved his hand down to Evan’s pants. He palmed the area over Evan’s jeans and Evan rocked his hips at the sensation. “Oh,” Jared said breathily, “do you like that?” 

Evan broke away from Jared’s neck and he pouted at the loss of contact. “Shit. Jared, I, yes. Yes! I like it. Can you, um, do more?”

Jared placed his palm on Evan’s cheek and very slowly trailed it down his chest. As he moved his hand he asked, “What exactly do you want more of Evan?” He met Evan’s eyes just as his hand came to rest over the bulge in the other boy’s pants. Evan again rocked his hips into Jared’s hand. Jared instantly took his hand away. “Bad boy. You need to use your words. What do you want?” 

Evan’s eyes were filled with desire and he wanted release. “I want more. You. I want you doing that more. I want. Oh, god I, I need you to keep doing that. Jared, please!” 

Jared was going to laugh but he saw the need in Evan’s eyes and he felt his already hard cock pulse with need. “I will do something to you that is a lot better, just because you said please.” He smiled at Evan as he undid his pants. 

He tugged Evan’s jeans until they pooled around his ankles, and his underwear soon followed. Jared could tell that Evan was embarrassed to be completely undressed, so he yanked off his own shirt, and demanded “Look at me! Evan I want you to look in my eyes. I want to see your reaction.” 

Jared waited until Evan made eye contact and he reached out and gently gripped Evan’s hardon and started slowing moving up and down. Evan’s expression was worth all the waiting that Jared went through wondering if Evan would ever notice him. 

Evan breathed out an “oh!” as his hips moved forward once more. His eyes were filled with lust as he got exactly what he had begged Jared for. Jared let go, earning a whimper from Evan. He moved his head down, sucking on Evan’s skin lightly as he dropped to his knees. 

He put his hand at the base and began slowly moving his hand once again. He leaned forward and placed his lips around the head of his cock. He loved the gasp that came out of Evan’s mouth. He kept his hand moving as he asked “Is this what you wanted, Ev?” 

“Oh, shit. Jared, yes!” 

Jared smiled at how Evan could barely string together a coherent sentence, but his stuttering had somehow disappeared. Jared leaned forward again and this time he took in as much as Evan as he could, while keepy his hand at the base. He slowly moved down, sucking lightly as he did so. Right before he was about to pull off to he felt Evan’s hands grab his hair and dig into his scalp. 

“Don’t stop again,” he begged “please.” 

Jared started rubbing his hand faster and he took more and more of Evan into his mouth. Evan was groaning and cursing under his breath. Jared let go of Evan, so he could take more of him into his mouth. He moved his hands to Evan’s hips, half to keep him from moving and the other half because he wanted to leave some bruises for him. 

“Oh, God! Jared, yes, it feels so good. Don’t stop. Please! I’m so close!” Evan’s cries began to get louder and his grip tightened on Jared’s hair. 

Jared removed his mouth and continued to pump Evan with his hand, “Yes, Ev cum for me. Cum for me right now. I want to see you lose control. I want to watch knowing that I did it to you.” 

WIth one final yell, Evan fell apart. He came over Jared’s hand, the bundle of pants around his ankles, and the floor. Jared stood up, wiping his hand on a rag he found in the closet. He kissed Evan on the lips, “was that good?” 

The realization of what they had just did dawned on evan as he pulled up his boxers and his pants. “Of, of course it was good, Jared! But we, we’re at school! I missed class! They’re going to notice we’re gone!” 

Jared vaguely noticed that Evan’s nervous stutter had come back. “We can’t leave yet. What about me? How inconsiderate!” He said jokingly. He was surprised when Evan stepped forward and palmed him through his jeans. 

“It is only nice. This time, I want to hear you say my name.” 

“Wait! Before we start I want to tell you that I don’t just want to give you blowjobs in a closet. I mean, I totally will give you blowjobs in a closet because this was fun. But, I also want to take you on dates, I want to be your boyfriend. I want more, Evan.” 

Evan smiled at him, “I want more too, Jared.” Jared smiled at Evan as he closed the space between them. “Now, your turn?” he asked. Evan grabbed the back of Jared’s neck and pulled him to him as he quickly deepened the kiss. He was reaching for the button on his jeans when a loud ringing made them jump apart. 

Jared laughed. “Just my luck. Fourth period is over. Time to go to fifth? If we miss two classes in a row they will definitely call our parents.” 

Evan unbuttoned his pants anyway. “We’ll say that I had a panic attack and you took me home.”

**Author's Note:**

> Follow me on tumblr if you want @creepywaxliam
> 
> Thanks @jonesbrooke0 for helping me through this. Without you pushing me I would never have finished.


End file.
